there are times when it is important to know exactly who you are working with. to know exactly who the people you will be working against and competing with to get a job. i saw something very disturbing in class tonight. we watched a video. but it was no mere normal video. it was a bad video. it was horrible. one goal we had was to look at the video and find some skills in it. i sat for the session, which was a fifteen minute hour (funny industry term for a usualy hour therapy session that last 1/4 of the time). as the man who made it defended that it was only 15 minutes long (in a rather snotty way) i sat there thinking about about what i saw.

now i am not one to be a snot. i am not one to be completely self absorbed and self centered. but after watching the video he mad....i am suddenly feeling very secure in my future search for a job!!!

unless at some point in time they get rid of interviews and instead make us fight it out in thunderdome. even then....i'll still prob win.

in some lame attempt to figure out exactly what i want to get from my life, i have decided that each night that i am at home before i go to bed i need to write. i need to get back into the position that i was in when i used to write all the time. to much time has passed since i have written about the feelings inside of me, and due to this i think that there are some situations that have become completely muddled and wound up in a complete state of disaray. now before i got off soundling like my life is akin to a nuculear bomb blast. i would like to note that my inane ramblings are in a sense a way for me to gather up my thoughts into complete ideas and formulations. sounds confusing right? well it is!

in essence, it helps me to be able to go back and look at things and see what i was thinking about a situation at a given day.

what i do with what i learn is completely unhelpful and i usually end up second guessing myself. but it is somehting that has worked for me for a long time and i wil continue to do it till it leads me astray.

either way i am going to start writting again, any chance i get. and hopefully this information will lead me to make a decision about my future. i hope that is does work out this way

so i've spend some time tonight thinking about things. i have really taken a look at where i am at and have been thinking about some things with a relationship i am in. i think i started out the last post like this too.

well mainly i guess i am beginning to understand more and more what he has been telling me. i have been processing all these things for some time now and i think i am getting it. i think i am finally understanding what he is saying. relationships are a big deal. they can be messy. people want things. people have expectations. and in order to be in a relationship you need to be able to work through the expectations. you need to be able to work through what you are doing and going through. sharing the lives and not ONE person should be able to dominate things.

i guess the thing that i have been hung up on for so long is the definition of sex. i had been with the understanding for so long that sex is something that you do in a commited relationship. if not in a relationship....playing around is cool. but once in a relationship, you only hav sex with the person you are with. now that is not everyones way. other people do it differently.

what i had been hung up on so long is that LOVE=SEX. and it doesn't. sex is sex. it is getting off. it is having fun and doing things with someone else. now it can also be that you have sex with the one you love...but not necessarily.

i guess what i have come to understand is that communication is key. and whatever you decide on, if you love each other, then you can do things. there has be to understanding and talking and communication. but i think that things are open to what the relationship wants.

i've been sitting out on my deck now for a good hour. having a beer and listening to iron and wine and thinking about things. pretty much it a loop of life and whats going on right now for me.

i'm lookin out at the highway. cars go by and everyone has there life. people are going to work. coming home. looking for lovers. going to buy groceries. doing the things that they need to do to keep themselves going. i was just staring at them listening to 'jesus the mexican boy' and thinking about it all. they all have their lives. they are all going to and fro. living and doing what they need to. do they like what they are doing? are they enjoying there lives?

a month ago i was at my intership and i was discussing things with my instructor. he stumped my when he asked me about a term i knew, but could not come up with a definition of. dysthymia is a condition in which the person esentially becomes depressed but is able to continue on with their life. they may feel as if there is no point to things and that they are just going through the motions. when i flipped through the DSM IV i came across the definition and it got me for a minute. i think i am dysthymic.

its true that i am a common hypochondriac. i once stubbed my toe and somehow became convinced that i was having foot cancer. so its not uncommon for me to think i am sick. but in all seriousness i honestly believe i might be living with dysthymia. i don't know if i have had it long enough to be diagnosed with it. but there is a serious notion and thought that should be looked at.

now i am not going to go jump off a bridge or anything. learned those lessons years ago. that will solve nothing. (well it would solve one thing...but not anything willing to do) so i live with the feelings. i sought out a therapist a while back to see if there would be some catharsis but there was nothing. it was mostly the same old rehash every visit. i was not sure what i could change in my own life and therefore i could not competently participate in therpay. i eventually left it. i did enjoy having someone to talk to, but for what i paid, i'll find something else.

i guess in the end. nothing solved and nothing gained. i still watch as those cars go by on the highway. they are all going somewhere.

its funny. i don't know if there will ever be such a thing.

its an oddity in this day and age for a band to come up with something to truely unique. its something that doesn't happen very often. but when it does it can be something that will define and set standards for years to come. which is why it is important that today is the release of the first in the series of videos for the album PLANS

death cab for cutie have done the impossible. they have taken each and every song from the album PLANS and given each song a video. each done by a different director, the videos (which will be released in instalments) reflect each directors imagination and vision.

for fans such as myself, this offers an amazing new way to see the songs we fell in love with. after watching the first video for the song 'marching bands of manhattan' i was exstatic. it was so great to see something, some sort of visual for a song that i love. it was like finding a new toy all the way in the bottom of a box you look in everyday. getting to see something in a whole new light! and....it was amazing!!!

so please stop reading this now and go see them for yourself and see a new wonderful part of an old friend